The Talk

A post I've been contemplating for a while: 

postpartum depression and anxiety. 

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It seems like we talk about it more in recent years. Which makes me so proud. Women are standing up and shouting things that matter, but society doesn't want to hear. Things like, "I have PPD or PPA and it sucks." But then I wonder, how much do we actually talk about it? Actually discuss it? 

Someone close to me told me what to look out for. I thought I knew the signs. At every appointment for myself and my son, I fill out the questionnaire. 

Do you ever-

Does this sometimes happen-

Have you ever felt-

A couple of appointments in, I really look at it. Not just today, it says. 

So, I ask myself. Not just today. "In the past weeks:"

Do you ever-

Does this sometimes happen-

Have you ever felt-

The crying for no apparent reason.

The nightmares that keep me from sleeping at night. 

The meltdowns when my son couldn't latch. 

The panic attacks.

The amount of times I had to hand him to my husband and just cry and cry until I could hardly breathe. 

Suddenly, my stomach knots. I'm not okay. I'm broken. I'm not okay, I'm just...adequate. I'm not invincible. 

I can't bring myself to say anything to my doctor. The questionnaire gets put in my folder without a word. Next time, I tell myself. I'll work up the courage. Next time I'll say it. 

Why is it so difficult for me to say out loud? 

Hey, I'm having a hard time. 

Hey, I think I might have postpartum depression and/or anxiety.

Hey, sometimes this sucks.

Eventually, I work up the courage at an OB/GYN appointment. I ask about the questionnaire. Where do I stand? What can I do? Where do I go from here? 

They give me a handout with names and numbers of people who can help. People who want to help. Now I've got to work up the courage all over again. Make the call. 

It's personal. It's so, so personal. I'm an extremely extroverted person, and I try to remind myself that not everyone handles things the way I do. 

Maybe women are talking about it to their doctor, spouse, therapist, self, someone. Maybe they are addressing it, how they're comfortable with it.

I hope all of you are. I hope you remember, it's okay to not be invincible. It's okay to not love every moment.

I hope you make the call. 

If you aren't a mom, listen to me. The greatest thing you can do for any mom is ask if there's something you can do for them. Ask them how they're doing. Be there for them. 

My love to all of you,   -Mama Lamb